Part II: “A child is apt to make a good thing better rather than making a bad thing good.” - Unknown

Following up on yesterday's post, another example of ineffective parenting that holds true for humiliating children is embarrassing or chastising them for being wrong or losing. Again, my hope is that this is not a malicious attempt to destroy kids’ self-worth, but rather a thoughtless behavior that has been deemed an acceptable form of correction that has not been challenged for it’s validity. We go with what we know and we are often overwhelmed. So whether it’s because we feel worn down, depleted or defeated, persistently pointing out our children’s mistakes conditions them to avoid self-improvement because of the emotional consequences of being wrong or of losing. Think about it…do you know any adults who refuse to apologize or admit when they are wrong? My guess is that they were forced through embarrassment as children to recognize their flaws and the emotional outcome for them was that they were bad.

Naturally, we want our children to say they are sorry because apologies go a long way to healing hurt hearts. What’s the answer then? Tackling the problem through a technique called re-recording often works well. This is where we tell kids what we want them to be and over time they will be conditioned to comply. Here is a wonderful way to reframe a situation using re-recording where an apology would be nice, “Oh, I bet you’re sorry you hurt your little sister. You’re such a great big brother. I’m sure it was an accident. Sweetie can you give your sister a kiss? It might make everyone feel better.” More times than not our children would want to do the right thing and when they do and we reinforce the positive behavior with a hug or kiss, our kids will repeat the behavior. I tell people all the time that I know they love their kids, but I challenge them to ask whether they like their kids. Meaning: do we talk and respond to them as though we like them or do we bark out, “Shut up! Get out of here right now! Get away from me!”

Children need guidance from us and the best way to get desired results is to help them like themselves. People in general behave the way they feel. If they feel good, they are good. A great tip for helping kids avoid the win-lose concept is to promote “the winner” and “a winner.”

Years ago, my grandson struggled with losing so after each race where he won I would cheer, “I’m a winner!”

Initially, he argued, “No, I’m the winner!”

To which I responded, “You might be the winner but I am a winner!”

After about ten of these moments I forgot the drill and when he won I lamented, “Oh, I lost again.”

Here was the amazing piece…He said, “Nonni, remember you’re always a winner.” 

Part I: “A child is apt to make a good thing better rather than making a bad thing good.” - Unknown

As children, positive self-esteem is something gained through internalizing external praise. As we develop our own truths, we are able to create our own value. Les Brown once referred to this as, “to feel worthy by permission.” What this means is that we condition children to do as they are told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to believe that adults are always, always right. The problem with this philosophy is that sometimes grown ups are not healthy or patient with children and their negative input can hurt kids. I want to share some ideas regarding healthy ways to assist you with building positive self-regard by pointing out effectiveness. Ask yourself three questions to determine whether you are being effective:

1. Does it feel good to you?
2. Does it feel good to your child?
3. Is it working?

For example, when children make mistakes do we forced them to apologize?

Towering over them with a pointed finger, “YOU SAY YOU’RE SORRY, RIGHT NOW!”

The kids will begrudgingly comply, “SORRRRRY!”

Did they mean it? Was the forced apology effective to changing negative feelings and behaviors? We all know the answer is of course not. So why do we insist on humiliating our children? Consider the internalized message embraced as our kids watch the other person gloating in their misery and humiliation. The overriding message delivered is, “You’re bad, you’re inadequate and you’re unworthy.” Nothing positive comes from a forced apology. Consequently, parents unwittingly condition their children to believe that saying sorry means they are insignificant and, I promise, in reality they will avoid being sorry at all costs. When we had our children did we consciously plot to degrade and crush their self-esteem? Not likely, but our actions suggest otherwise.

Children: Who Do They Think They Are?

Children are conditioned to do as they’re told, to not talk back, to respect their elders and to know that adults are always right. Consequently, children are forced to embrace external input and feel bad or good based on the whims of others. As we mature into adults, we often carry many of these generated inputs with us into our daily lives. These thoughts and feelings are our conditioned responses to that indoctrination and, whether they are negative or positive, kids act accordingly. Therefore, if you had an uncle who called you lazy, you may be lethargic or unmotivated when you are exposed to him at Thanksgiving. But then a neighbor who often praised your hard work tells you that you’re wonderful, you will shine in her presence. This reaction is typically referred to as object referral and occurs when a person’s self-esteem and self-worth shift, change, decline or elevate as a result of an external source entering the room. This makes the esteem and worth malleable and unsteady. With clients I will tap on a table and ask them to identify the object and they’ll state matter-of-factly that the object is a table. I ask them why and they say because that is what they understand the object to be. Then a debate proves that no matter who walks into the room a table is a table is a table. It’s value or representation doesn’t change.

Self-esteem and self-worth need to have the same reference points. We need to allow children to decide what the facts are about them. This means we have to provide them with an internal source that doesn’t require external input. Instead of stating that we are proud of them, we need to say, “You must be so proud of yourself for…” or “You should feel so good about yourself because…” The translation for them becomes, “I must be proud of myself and should feel good about who I am.” And although initially we are providing external suggestions, the intended message can be compared to passing the torch during the Olympics. We have to allow our children to shine on their own without us. This can only be accomplished by giving them the ability to know the truth about them. Therefore, we must teach children to back every thought and feeling up with facts so that when someone negative walks into their lives, the impact is minimal.

I recently spoke to an 86-year old woman who I have always revered as an angel. She lamented that she was a bad person and I asked her to back that thought up with a fact and she absolutely could not find one reason for that thought. It saddened me to see that throughout her entire life she had given to people and loved them yet she hated herself. And for what? Because perhaps sometime in her childhood or maybe later as an adult, someone told her she was inadequate, inferior or incompetent. When I shared how much I loved and admired her, she admitted that when I was around she felt good about herself. The sad part is that I can’t always be there so if her sense of regard is based on me then her feelings will change once someone else walked into the room—this is object referral. Her sense of self never gets to be solid like that table because she adopts the opinions of those around her instead of knowing her own self-truth.

A parent once shared that he was frustrated with a neighbor because the neighbor would scream the F-word at his 6-year old daughter when she was outside playing. I suggested that he tell her that hurt people hurt people and that the neighbor was a sad old man. Later, the father came to me and reported that he and his daughter were walking down the street and the elderly man raced out onto the porch and threw out the F-bomb again, but this time his daughter with the sweetest sincerity announced loudly, “Daddy, you’re right, he is a sad old man.” The grump stopped in his tracks and then retreated back into his home where he never bothered them again. The poignant element to this story is that this father gave his daughter the ability to let others own their own feelings and behaviors. She was no longer forced to embrace the external input and take responsibility for how others feel. She was able to recognize that his pain was not her issue or fault. This child, if guided properly, will not have to experience object referral as she is not dependent on the opinions of others to judge herself. This precious child is a precious child is a precious child.